For many of us who grew up in the noughties, Gavin and Stacey was the perfect family sitcom. There were scenes which would pull your heartstrings and moments which could make you laugh out loud. It was, broadly speaking, a love story, but one which did not take itself too seriously. The characters, their quirks, the solid yet multi-faceted relationship they shared with each other and the Anglo-welsh setting meant that there was just enough going on for you to want to watch the next episode, but not enough for you to lose track of the plot. It is also a show which featured a striking feminist moment, which many of us may have overlooked. This being, a wedding proposal from a certain woman to another man.
For the most part it was Gavin Shipman and Stacey Shipman’s (née West) story. But their closest friends also shared a love story, which took a messy path to say the least. There had been tension between Gavin’s best mate, Neil “Smithy” Smith and Stacey’s closest friend Vanessa “Nessa” Smith (née Jenkins) and they soon had a child together. Since the birth of their son, “Neil” Junior, they were mostly civil with each other, and whilst one parent was living in Wales and the other, in England, they had seemingly maintained some degree of a co-parenting relationship, but never a wholly romantic one. They were, as many of us teased, in love with each other, but ultimately it took time for it to fall in place.
Nessa was the enigmatic matriarchal icon of the show. Seemingly unfazed by the many quirks of the people around her in her hometown of Barry island, her demeanour was quietly confident, serious and stoic. It is this bold and unpretentious personality which makes her seem like a beacon of strength. But at the end of the series’ Christmas special in 2019, the character showed a more vulnerable side to her personality.
On a dark December night, outside Stacey’s family home, Nessa and Smithy managed to find time to speak to each other alone. Nessa stepped down on one knee and proposed to Smithy after emotionally telling him that she loves him. The episode ends before we can see Smithy’s reaction. Whilst the suspense was irritating, what many of us did not realise is that this is a rare and somewhat captivating moment in TV show history, where a woman takes up a long-standing traditional male-role within a romantic context. So the scene was as touching as it was feminist.
After five agonising years, we recently found out what happened, as millions of Brits sat down to watch the finale. We learned that before Smithy could respond to the proposal, Gavin came outside and Smithy consequently walked away. Nessa started doing a cossack-style dance in order to cover up the real reason as to why she was down on one knee.
It is true that marriage proposals can be a nerve-racking moment for the proposer. So the fact that it was interrupted would create a sense of awkwardness for Nessa, which makes her attempt to cover it up understandable. But marriage proposals have taken place in front of families and friends as well as in busy public areas, which means that they are not all associated with an environment of secrecy, nor is every proposer painfully shy. But in this instance, Nessa clearly felt embarrassed about the idea of Gavin finding out what she was up to and was desperately trying to cover it up.
Five years later, Smithy calls off the wedding to his girlfriend-turned-fiance. Smithy then finds Nessa, tells her he was sorry for leaving her “hanging” and explains that he was not ready but that he is now. Smithy smiles at Nessa and says “I guess what I am saying is, ask me again.” Nessa says no, explaining that she “only ever asks once.” Smithy eventually tells her he loves her, gets down on one knee and proposes to her. The scene then shifts towards their wedding, so it is assumed Nessa accepts. Stay with me now, I am getting closer to the point.
Ultimately, Nessa’s proposal was not accepted but Smithy’s was. There are reasonable explanations as to why the course of events led to Smithy proposing. Smithy was in a relationship at the time of Nessa’s proposal, which made this proposal unfeasible and ethically questionable. Since Nessa proposed to Smithy she did not have the will to do it again, she likely wanted to protect her pride or perhaps felt uncertain about Smithy’s feelings towards her after he did not respond to her proposal. Nevertheless, it was scripted so that the proposal which leads to their marriage was initiated by the male in the relationship, which brings a traditional ending to what was initially an unconventional marriage proposal.
Now, I am not trying to spoil this for everyone, I too, punched the air in awe the moment I found out that Smithy and Nessa were getting married. But it is a shame that Nessa’s proposal was scripted to lead to no response. Why? Because it means that an empowering moment for a woman did not lead to a successful outcome, which in this case is getting someone’s hand in marriage. When a woman’s attempt to take up a traditional male role is met with failure, it indicates that she is shackled by gender norms, which ultimately limits the degree to which Nessa can feel empowered.
But whilst Nessa’s proposal was not met with success, the statistics suggest that many female-initiated wedding proposals are accepted. A study from the University of Liverpool Management School, led by lecturer in marketing, Dr Daniela Pirani, shows just that. For the study, 21 women who proposed to men were interviewed. Only one of the proposals was rejected and the other one “exposed the cracks in the very foundation of their relationship.” According to The Conversation, the woman’s partner, who had said yes, had told others that he had done the proposal. This suggests that whilst the woman’s proposal had been successful, her male partner felt that he had to hide the true nature of the proposal in order to save face. So in this instance, a female-initiated proposal was a source of shame for the male. This tells us that whilst the prospect of women taking up stereotypical male roles might be accepted by a male partner, such an acceptance might only be at surface level. This case study reinforces the idea of how gender norms can limit a woman’s ability to display her power. As her male partner tried to make her assertive approach to the engagement invisible to the people he had spoken to.
Interestingly, one of the women who was interviewed said that she was told that she is “emasculating” her boyfriend or that she was “too much” as a person in the feedback she got from others, following her proposal. These remarks indicate that her decision to take the plunge was deemed unfeminine and excessive. Whilst the data could suggest that women should feel optimistic about how their wedding proposal would go down with a man, it also tells us that some women who propose may be negatively perceived by others. Sound familiar? Nessa covering up her proposal to Smithy, may have stemmed from a similar anxiety. And let’s not forget the significance of the fact that Nessa proposed and told Smithy how she felt about him in a private setting.
Now it is true that wedding proposals carry a sentimental value, but what do they represent at face value? Ultimately, when you propose to someone you are exercising your autonomy within the relationship. This is because you are instigating a potential major development within the course of your life and someone else’s. So, when a woman’s proposal is rejected or met with criticism, her sense of autonomy is effectively rejected.
Other research shows that against the odds, a proportion of women are still keen to ask their partners for their hand in marriage. Published in November 2023, the research, which is from the UK wedding planning platform, Guides For brides, found that 27% of women have either already proposed or are eager to propose to their partners. Out of these women, 39% said they would propose because they want to defy the idea that only men should propose. This is a somewhat promising sign for female empowerment, as it shows that there are women out there who have the confidence to challenge gender stereotypes.
According to the wedding publication, Brides, the ritual of kneeling down to propose comes from the time in which medieval knights would bow for noblewomen as a sign of respect. So it is rooted in a tradition where a man demonstrated his respect towards a woman. When the roles are reversed, the woman is theoretically expressing respect towards a man, for the lack of a better word, it is reverse chivalry. Sure, the idea of the woman being chivalrous rather than the man, is refreshing and compelling. But bowing down for someone is effectively a projection of humility or even a sense of vulnerability, rather than a demonstration of power or dominance. This does make you wonder whether women proposing is empowering at all. But it is undeniable that the concept of women taking up a long-established stereotypical male role is nothing but empowering.
So what does this all mean? Well a woman proposing to a man dismantles gender stereotypes, but if the proposal falls through or gets negative reception then this is a sign of gender norms being maintained. Nessa’s proposal to Smithy is emblematic of just that. Nessa also tried to cover up the proposal which may suggest that she felt uncomfortable about breaking the mould in this way. Nevertheless, a number of women have proposed to men and this has led to marriage.
The decision to propose to someone may not necessarily mirror a sense of power, which makes the “empowering” nature of women proposing to men slightly questionable. But it is clear that Nessa wanted to instigate a major development for her and Smithy’s relationship, which regardless of the outcome means that Nessa exercised a sense of power. And whilst proposals are an emotionally vulnerable gesture, they are assertive.
