The holidays are usually a time for fun and spending time with family or friends, but they can also bring a lot of unwanted drama. This year’s holidays brought me some unexpected conflict with a friend. Without going into the finer points, this friend crossed some important boundaries with me and was unable to have a mature conversation about this after the fact. Initially, I felt miffed by this, but when I made the choice to cut them off a few weeks later I found myself not really feeling upset at all. I feel like in recent years ‘friendship breakups’ have been given the weight socially that they often warrant, and it’s very true that sometimes they can be truly traumatic and emotionally distressing experiences. I just didn’t feel that way this time around… like at all.
My response wasn’t because I was happy to be in the midst of drama with someone I considered a close friend, nor was it a coping mechanism to avoid hurt feelings. As a general rule, I’m quite in touch with my emotions. The reason I just didn’t really care is because I knew that the choice to end my friendship with this person was a positive decision for me and one that would give me some much needed space to breathe. I firmly believe that you should believe someone when they show you who they are, and this former friend showed me that they didn’t have the same values or maturity that I do. Long story short, Marie Kondo was right about getting rid of things (or people in this case) that no longer spark joy.
When friendships become toxic
Friendships are, by their very nature, a form of emotional labour. More often than not this is a welcome addition to the mental load because what you put out you’ll get back in spade loads from a genuine friend. More often than not in a healthy friendship you needn’t think of the emotional energy you spend on the other person in such a transactional way because there is a mutual understanding that emotional support goes both ways. This is how I’ve always approached friendship, knowing that I am willing to expend significant mental energy on those I choose to because it is mutual, and importantly it is not taken for granted.
This dynamic did not exist with the friend that I cut off. I found myself feeling continually depleted by someone who took that mental energy for granted. Taking a step back now the dust has settled, I realise that an expectation had been built that while it was okay for them to lean on me, I couldn’t expect the same in return. This expectation was compounded by a cultural expectation that female friendships thrive on, or even depend upon, a dynamic where you’ll drop everything in a second’s notice to be there for your friend. In a climate where the patriarchy continues to try to grind all women and femme people down day by day, we rely upon a notion of sisterhood to buoy us through the worst of what our misogynistic world throws at us.
On paper, this is naturally a good thing, and for the most part, I agree that it is. What I do not agree with however is the sometimes present expectation that you put the needs of others above your own. This was the dynamic that I was experiencing with the friendship that inspired this article. There was a litany of both subtle and overt signs that only one of us was allowed to not be okay. It will come as no shock that this is a pretty crappy foundation to build a relationship upon – of any kind.
What if I don’t want your sisterhood?
The idea of sisterhood is one I take seriously. I have long-standing friendships with people who I consider my chosen family, and that is something I take pride in. Equally, I do buy into the idea that as women and femme-presenting people, we have a responsibility to work together to try and affect positive change for all of us. The aspect of this that I find concerning is when the concept of sisterhood is applied universally, to all women, regardless of how they may view you or your personhood.
In the news this week we’ve seen a litany of women proudly declare how they voted for Donald Trump, applauding him as he aggressively attacks the basal rights of women, LGBTQ+ people and immigrants in the United States. To be frank, my feminism does not extend to them, nor does my sisterhood. We need to normalise that while feminism speaks about all women, that doesn’t mean we need to extend an olive branch to women who have chosen to support the limitations of all our rights, including theirs. This doesn’t mean I support them having fewer rights than their mothers and grandmothers, but it does mean I’m not going waste my mental energy and my time on women who gleefully contribute to their own downfall. I’m unafraid to apply this thought to women who align themselves with the TERF and SWERF branches of feminism (but let’s face it these are hate movements, not feminism).
It doesn’t even need to go so far as to discuss the world of politics. I’m reminded of last year when Charli XCX’s album Brat was released. The song Sympathy is a Knife was met with a mix of praise and criticism because of the fact the song is allegedly about Taylor Swift. Fans of both artists drew comparisons from the lyrics, and many criticised Charli for allegedly expressing negative feelings about another woman in music in the song. As a fan of both artists, I didn’t care about the supposed slight against Swift. When women aren’t allowed to be openly critical of each other we do ourselves a massive disservice. We are complex and emotional beings who should be allowed to dislike each other and talk about that if we need to. Sometimes women don’t get along – it’s normal and it’s healthy to talk about it. If we exist in fear that having genuine and valid cause to dislike other women makes us bad feminists, we do ourselves a disservice.
So, why am I not sad?
With all this in mind, and the validity of having negative feelings towards a person I used to consider a friend, why was I not sad when I cut her off? Maybe partially it’s just my personality to not waste mental energy on something I consider to be a closed case, but in reality, it’s because I know I made the correct choice for me. When faced with a friendship that felt like exhaustive emotional labour and obligation, I decided to bow out of the unnecessary stress that this brought to me. When I fired off the deciding message to her ending the friendship all I felt was a wave of relief.
Your time, your energy, and your emotional well are finite resources – spend them on people who deserve them. Do not spend your time on relationships that ultimately don’t serve you, there’s enough on your plate without friendships that lack parity.
