Ghosting is quite controversial these days, but I am here to show you why it can actually be a feminist act. Here’s a hint, its all about your time and emotional labour.
I have a confession to make. I am a serial ghoster. Yes, I know, have your rotten tomatoes at the ready. For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is the ancient art of quietly backing out of interacting with someone by leaving texts unanswered and follow requests ignored. The practice of ghosting mostly came to light alongside the rise of social media in the 2010s. Back then, it was less polarising, but as our culture has skewed further and further into online dating, it has divided opinion. It has some social stigma attached, some seeing it as rude or even cowardly. I’m here to tell you why this is not only not true, but convince you that ghosting is actually lowkey feminist.
Why do we ghost?
My WhatsApp archive is full of discontinued conversations with situationships, past work contacts and former friends. With each contact relegated to the archives, I gain more and more space for myself and the people I want to give my time to. I love using the archive feature. For me, there is a real truth in out of sight, out of mind. Moving these undesirable conversations and contacts to a place I don’t ever look is my way of consciously picking myself over interactions I no longer have the energy for.
It might seem a bit harsh, but let me explain my logic. In most of these conversations, I haven’t felt the need for a final word. Some of these people I don’t gel with on a personal level, I wish them no ill. I simply don’t wish to continue being acquainted with them. It would feel overkill to formalise that disengagement by saying something. There’s potential to needlessly hurt someone’s feelings by announcing that I’m over feigning a relationship with them. As you can imagine, these types of people form the minority of those I have decided to ghost.
The majority are people (men) I have a genuine cause to want to avoid. Unfortunately, like basically everyone who’s ever dated online, I have a graveyard of weird talking stages that amounted to nothing or to situations that made me feel uncomfortable. We’ve all been there before: a Tinder match moves over to a talking stage that either fizzles out or ends with him crossing a boundary. By and large, as a transfemme person, a significant portion of men who express interest in me approach me with a hypersexuality that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable and objectified. I need to ask if there is really a need to say something. I’d much rather quietly slip out the back door and spare myself the emotional labour of talking John from Tinder through why he gave me the ick. There is already enough on my plate without that kind of extra admin.
No communication is a form of communication
The narrative around why people often say they’re anti-ghosting is that it’s disrespectful or is poor communication. Let me argue that it is actually excellent communication. Ghosting sends one direct and clear message – I don’t want to talk to you. There are inevitable questions that come from being ghosted about why, but does that really fall on the ghost to answer? More often than not the reason why we stop replying is quite obvious, and it is likely some attempt at correcting unwanted approaches has been made. At a certain point all that is needed to be conveyed is that the ghost does not wish to be contacted. Leave the ouija boards and 2am texts at home, you are not getting a reply.
Women and femme presenting people are society’s emotional caretakers. From our earliest memories we are being taught how to be emotional labourers. It’s exhausting. The amount of times we twist ourselves into knots about how to navigate unwanted attention every day could rival the number of trees in the Amazon rainforest. My phone does not need to be an extension of that. Ghosting, to me, is making a choice to honour your needs over gendered social expectations. You truly do say it best when you say nothing at all. Ghosting guys who make you feel uncomfortable or unimportant leaves the space open for them to assess their own behaviour.
When to ghost and when not to ghost
Ghosting is not a one size fits all though, it is about choosing your battles. Sometimes you just need to call something out and assert yourself actively. I’m not shy about doing this myself. For every situationship I’ve ghosted is another that ended by standing up for myself when I’ve been disrespected. All of us have been in circumstances where things are not better left unsaid, and you need to make it known that somebody has crossed a line with you. The unfortunate reality is that far too often this only invites animosity and not a receptive ear.
In a world where the red-pilled brigade of angry young men lie in wait for their chance to live their Charlie Kirk debate-lord fantasy, it is like flipping a coin when you decide to call out Darren from Hinge. Maybe he will listen, maybe he won’t. More often than not you find yourself again in the role of an emotional caretaker. Tentatively you avoid standing on egg shells and landmines as you explain how someone has made you feel. Add that to the stack of emotional labour we’re already shouldering every day. Sometimes, a simple ghosting is the way to go.
Why bend yourself into all kinds of shapes to spare feelings when you could just as easily nope out and move on with your life. Ghosting allows you to remove yourself from conversations you simply do not have the energy or care for. When it feels right, dip out and don’t look back.
How to start ghosting safely
If somebody has made you feel uncomfortable or unsafe to the point of no return, do not hesitate to block them. Sometimes that is all that can be done. Deny someone access to you and your time if they don’t deserve it. What is more feminist than making the conscious decision to protect your peace? Unfortunately we cannot ever fully protect ourselves from the risk of disgruntled men who go out of ther way to make women and femme presenting people unsafe. This is just the reality of living under violent patriarchy. In cases where you feel genuinely at danger, beyond ghosting someone alert the police to your concerns or use Clare’s law to check the criminal bakcground of someone making you feel threatened.
Ghosting is a great way of communicating disinterest without inviting active conflict into your life. In my experience, the majority of the guys I’ve ghosted will send maybe one or two messages to try and reel you into a conversation, then give up once it is clear you aren’t going to reply. They can then move on with their life, and I move on with mine. So here I am, coming out as pro-ghosting. Let the pitchforks come still if you don’t agree with me. Never forget, though, with each ghosting I make a conscious decision to back out of situations I don’t want to be in. Ghosting is my feminist act of disengaging with expectations to be an emotional support for men who don’t deserve it.
Remember though, ghosting is one solution, not the only solution. It is up to you to decide how you handle unwanted attention or shake off failed situationships. Consider a ghosting or two next time though, protect your peace.
